Temptation For Repetition.
It's been a while since I spoke up about the hidden side of me, probably because of this ill-considered mindset saying "don't ruin college like how you ruined high school". Of course, those who went through similar crap would understand that it'll never entirely go away.
Today I had a restful time chatting with my high school senior, Bernard regarding topics you won't spot out of the ordinary. LGBT, disorders, hidden thoughts where sharing such info with the wrong person would get you into deep trouble. When we first talked about the LGBT community & how it relates to ourselves was pretty comfortable, to be honest. As he's a proud gay sophomore, nothing more than audacity & relief did I felt to tell him about the tiny struggles I've gone through as a straight tomboy. He had it worse though, wish that I could turn back time to catch his fall during them dark hours.
This then moved the point into struggles we experience(d), I actually caught a tear listening to him spill the shit he gone through as I didn't expect someone close to me having it that bad. Suicidal thoughts were gently touched during the chat (everything's before), it threw me a petrifying flashback of the days where I couldn't even blank my head from dreadful thoughts, weighing 98 pounds, left arm scarred so badly it constantly bleeds. Yes I consciously hate myself for describing such a visit back to time, but everything that went by is just so tempted to repeat itself again. That awful distress of your arm free from alive red, tearless eyes, somehow the human body I own constantly sends me signals saying it's not okay to be okay, neither not being okay.
Don't feel like going on with it. The talk today did help a little, I suppose.
- nights -
