Grades.
Never thought it could turn into such a positive encumbrance of mine.
The last time I threw a blank eye on my studies wasn't ages ago, in fact I did so on my high school finals aka SPM. Ignoring new chapters and my overcommitments in co-curriculum resulted in a state where I had to catch up numerous sections in two weeks' time. My brain was so stuffed to the point that I gave up the day after bluntly finishing a history exercise booklet on the day I bought it. Shot & stabbed multiple-answer questions, made up experiments for biology, physics & chemistry papers that didn't even make any sense. The funny part is not about winging the examination as luck didn't get to me, but failing to accept my own presumptions. I spoke to myself that I'd be pleased to have five As, and I attained so, yet I feel terrible after flipping over my result sheet. It was then I forced myself that this pathetic cycle has to stop, can't afford to let it shatter my college life.
Split second, I remember myself pounding my head against the desk, few more weeks till our first semester break started. Most of everything was going well, yet it didn't feel proper in a sense that I was nailing the whole nine yards wrong. Yes, I smiled on the As I got, however once again I wasn't able to stomach these accomplishments. These grades were suddenly perceived by both eyes as plain numbers, intelligent nor contented did I feel. Instead I pictured myself as a complete idiot, thriving like a dog chasing an aeroplane only for the figures, neglecting part of my social world, slowly gathering hatred towards subjects I used to hug.
What am I doing to myself? Things were so jumbled until I tear up once I received Bs as I fail to view them as acceptable grades. Worst of all, I was given a C for a subject because I horribly flunked an assignment. Am I screwing the atmosphere outside my bubble just so I could get a distinction? I can't even list a sensible reason on why I try too hard to score good grades, when I can't even professionally function a camcorder in class. Compare my competence, several friends of mine already produced short films, while I'm still here procrastinating on filming & editing YouTube content. Incessantly contemplating on my future career suffocates me, yet it's not enough to handcuff both hands & power off my brain so I could harvest a rational motive on succeeding not only in college, but my vocation ahead.
Staring at first semester's OP of 72.57 glues a grin on my face, unfortunately not for the right reasons.
