Start of Sem 2.
Hurts me to say that it was unexpectedly horrible.
August 29's the date I place a continue on the rushing-up-the-4th-floor days, say goodbye to the awfully long semester break. Woke up at 7 as I planned on leaving home half an hour later to avoid traffic, well this husky here who recently got her license drove miles towards an opposing direction on where I'm suppose to head. I ended up stuck in traffic for 50 minutes or so, I willingly sighed it off, thinking it was nothing since I was still an hour early for class. The misspent petrol stabbed me hard though.
Soon, I was running back & forth from classrooms to the office to settle a snag I'd say fate brought me. Few days before the semester began, we DPA'16 classmates received our class schedule & group list, which I then found out I was in a group where the time didn't work out for me. Thus I emailed my concerns on this issue to the department on the day I got the list, crossed my fingers hoping things would work out. To make things clear, I'd still be able to bury full commitment into the diploma if my group transfer failed to work out, I'm only saying that since there're two groups I suppose it wouldn't be difficult for me to switch before the semester starts without interfering much. What happened really scared (or scarred) me to the extend that the bold in me disappeared. Our programme chair aka one of my favourite lecturers called me into his room, we had a serious talk about the issue & I walked out with shivering bones. Name me a wuss because I really felt like one during that long 5 minutes of my life, I overthought so bad it tripled the unwanted anxiety in me. I honestly didn't know that I'd cause so much trouble (such as a system change) if I needed to swap groups. It's contrite to the point where I swear if you were me then, you would rather remain in your original group because you're giving headaches to people who don't deserve it from you. Yet I, this horrible person remorsefully fought till the end & got lucky, I wasn't even contented after walking out of the room. Instead I still drown in self-condemnation until this second, I loathe myself for constantly doing what I try avoiding, tears are in rivers as I'm now attempting to write this post.
"You do know this is a full-time course, right? It's not a part-time course, part-time job thing."
What kills me is the thought that after this incident, he'll probably portray me as the kid who doesn't throw in 100 percent into her diploma. Peer pressure on studies is already enough for me to screw a bullet through my head, I have no idea on how to cope with that distress constantly screaming in my mind. I fucked it up big time, and there's no good way for me to solve this equation.
Adding up today's events of losing my new water tumbler & walking into the guy I once confessed to, I can't think of a worse way to start my second semester. In overall, the group swap's definitely the worst as the other events don't fuck with my already execrable mental state. You know that situation where you continually apologise to the point it gets dreadfully annoying for that person & yourself? Lying on that exact spot I am. Even writing everything out doesn't help anymore.
Temporarily placing the negativity on the side, I truly wish for more smiles & radiant events to come. Mistakes do happen, but please don't fuck things up again, Alanis.
Peer-fucking-pressure.
