Rivery Nights.
Unclear on how to began, here I determine to jump right in.
Never was I able to dismiss the unhinged thoughts whisking inside my borderless mind, neither did I tried to truly accept the grave mental flaws of mine. Things just doesn't seem fine in both ways; owning such crap & admitting that the crap is assigning me torturing agony. I constantly ask myself, why must I bear with these inner complications for life? The question never failed to backfire - the immature 2011 me signed this contract, not knowing I'd still be bothered by this today.
Spot my previous writings on both blogs, never did I reveal the terms of my struggles in a transparently coherent manner, because I don't find being a kid with multiple cognitive problems alright, especially publicly writing about it. Sending my gratitude to social media where humans are first taught that mentally unstable people are 'incorrect people'. Somehow sharing one's sufferings on Tumblr tags along terms like 'attention-seeking' and 'naive foolishness'. Therefore as an archetypal scorpio & fun-looking person, I consider it impossible to spill these dark untold conundrums to the lives in my world. Yet I feel awfully worn out portraying who I would be with the puzzle pieces beautifully attached to one another.
The fear of self-triggering gunshots & 10th floor jumps haunts me as one day my rocky sense might push me right into things where regrets wouldn't even make it in time.
Depression drowns me in unproductivity which I loathe with all my heart, anxiety gifts me a wrong guide on being a perfectionist in every single aspect, ana & mia never let me forget my flawed body for even a second, OCD frisbees me unwanted thoughts which drives me insane from time to time. Here's that, finally I managed to spell most of them out. Did I feel a little better? Not quite - now I'm fucking terrified of judgements & perspectives. This is why it's so hard, it's nonviable to express mental shit to the people around you as the internet first titled it with negativity & weakness. Having said that, it is my only choice to seek for comfort & aid from the humans around me (real & virtual) as you understand from my previous writings, my family find my struggles to be unnecessary & disowning a kid with such issues is worth it.
I, deny not the rivery nights.
